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Hancock NonReview

January 28, 2009
by

Indeed, men in spandex = gross

Indeed, men in spandex = gross

You’ve probably been wondering just where the heck the review for Hancock is. Well, I’m here to tell you: there isn’t going to be any review of Hancock. Its window of opportunity passed and nobody cares about it anymore.

But by that logic, I should just stop, as I’ve always passed the window of opportunity. Maybe I should slow down. Wait, where did the clutch go?

Truth be told, Temmehkan is a blog made by and for college students. We have about as much money as the stockholders in Enron had after its collapse. I’m currently writing up a letter to the federal government asking for a bailout for the college student industry; hopefully this will allow us to go to more movies and purchase more games and DVDs. But we can’t review the day of the movie’s release. We can’t even review the week of. Not unless we resort to insidious means. Or get a DeLorean. (Okay, add DeLorean to the bailout letter…)

And who wants to read a review of Hancock anyways? It’s a superhero movie, and who the hell likes superhero movies anymore? They all suck (re: Hulk). There’s nothing attractive about a guy in spandex, unless you’re a girl, you’re gay (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that), or you’re Michael Jackson, who transcends definitions. And there’s really nothing attractive about women in spandex either; for me, they just make me think of my older sister in her old green swimsuit. And that’s kinda gross. Nobody likes incest (unless you’re German.)

So I’m not going to review it. There’s no point; it has a plot, it has characters, it has a theme, it has conflict; nobody cares about these things, unless you’re a writer in Hollywood who is concerned that you’ll only make $135 million this year and not $140 million. And I’ve fairly certain nobody who reads this blog is a screenwriter. If you were, you must be very, very desperate. Like M. Night Shymalan after The Happening. Definitely not like Vincent Ngo and Vince Gilligan.

What do people care about? Action and sex. Ergo, what we really should be watching are porn movies with the Terminator and River Tam blowing up the world and making out afterwards. I’ve haven’t found that yet, although there are rumors John Woo is going to direct it whenever its made. In which case, the sex scene should be quite long and involve a lot of bullets. Methinks it will end with an unhappy divorce…

But there’s no divorces in Hancock, just a few wrecked houses, a flattened city, a good looking chick, and a drunken black dude who turns out to be the world’s only superhero. Who wants to see a tale of redemption? Nobody, that’s who. Except for those two people who wanted to watch The Shawshank Redemption.

Besides, those who really liked 300 would probably get upset at the hints of ancient Aegean warfare that crop up in the movie, but never develop on. And they’re probably going to think that the guy who comes in to help Hancock is a complete wimp. Which he is. Totally. He’s only raising a family and marrying a superwoman. A superwoman who calls down tornadoes. That’s it.

So don’t you really need to worry about Hancock. What do you need to worry about is the financial standing of this blog, which really has no 401(k), 527 PAC, or even a garbage disposal. (Actually, we did, but the massive deluge of Eric’s posts broke it.) So please write to your congresscritter today and urge them to support Temmehkan with a $36 billion bailout so we can buy stuff to review. And a toilet.

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