Skip to content

The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Review

January 12, 2009

"I have replaced my personality with balls. Now I will rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!"

Dragon Emperor: "I have replaced my personality with balls. Now I will rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!"

I want to apologize to everyone who thought I had died. I didn’t–I just took a little hiatus, forgot my password, and couldn’t log in for a few weeks. But now I’m back, writing on my brand new Averatec 2500 laptop, and I have movies to review.

First off, I’m reviewing The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, or whatever the hell its called. Because, really, when its just a five minute whirlwind, does it need a name? No, wait, that’s t0o generous–its a two-minute minute whirlwind with a nonexistent bad guy.

The plot of this movie is that Rick O’Connell and his wife Evie–played by some new chick–are bored out of their minds in England while their son is busy digging up the Terracotta army of the Dragon Emperor (who, I believe, is supposed to be the sole emperor of the Qin Dynasty, shuangdi.) When the parents come to visit, they get jumped by a Chinese warlord who wishes to bring back the emperor–who succeeds, thanks to a SURPRISE (lol not really) betrayal–and a wild chase ensues, which includes such fantastic sights such as Shangri-La, the Great Wall of China, fuzzy yeti that are sure to excite any fan of FurryMUCK, a sexy Chinese ninja, her somewhat less sexy ninja mother, and a rather boring Dragon Emperor.

If you were excited by seeing the name Jet Li on the cover, then sorry–you’re going to be more upset than an Al Gore fan in November 2000. The big Jet is practically a nobody. Oh, he’s the Big Bad Guy the crew is going after, but he doesn’t show much for it. I’ve seen cardboard with more personality, and I’ll bet you dollars to donuts–or Terracotta soldiers to mummies, in this case–that President “Silent Cal” Coolidge spoke more than him. So there’s a prologue at the beginning that shows him being betrayed by his top general, who’s doing his wife–big deal. Doesn’t excuse the fact that’s he practically mindless “I haz unhappy face must destroy the world!!11!ONE”

<!– @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } —

The problems with the movie, unfortunately, begin rather than end with that note. One of the most visible problems is with Evie–she’s being played by a different actor. We really shouldn’t get too tough on the movie with this, because there are many factors that determine if an actor comes back, but really, if you can’t get the original actor for a main character, then maybe that should be a hint to not do the movie. And really, Maria Bello isn’t that bad…but I saw Rachel Weisz, and Actress, you are no Rachel Weisz.

“Inconsistency” must have been a buzzword at the writing offices. The sexy ninja I was talking about is an immortal, just like her mother, who stays in Shangri-La to guard the foundation of youth. Thus, I must question how the mother knows English, when she’s in the middle of the bloody mountains where nobody can visit (unless the Fountain of Youth gave her the power to go into the future and buy a copy of Rosetta Stone’s English program.) This really looks bad at the end, when Jet Li is talking to his troops in Chinese, and it’s intercut with her summoning ancient Chinese skeletons in English. I mean, come on–like the Chinese spell would work in English, and like the ancient Chinese undead would understand English! Pathetic.

Rick O’Connell enjoys inconsistency. The only way to kill Jet Li–I mean the Dragon Emperor, silly me, we all know Jet Li is completely immortal–is to stab him in the heart with a knife. Rick McConnell, famous mummy killer, observer of ancient and powerful magics, and quite well versed in the undead–says the magical knife is crap. C’mon, Rick! You fought the Scorpion King and think a magical knife is bogus? Did you hit your head or did Evie slap you too hard one day while playing “Dominatrix 2000?”

And it keeps going. The ninja mother states that the Dragon Emperor, once he bathes in the Fountain of Youth, will be able to assume the forms of many “horrible monsters.” He does of course–a three-headed dragon and the lead character from Where The Wild Things Are. If that’s the most horrible monster that the Dragon Emperor can pull off, then he well and truly is a f$#&*% pansy and deserves to be booed off the stage.

It doesn’t stop there. The ending of the movie is also fairly undecent. When ninja mom dies, sexy ninja cries, but it doesn’t seem like enough. There is no reflection scene; her last appearance is blissfully kissing the prodigal son, seemingly without a care in the world. Um, hi, your mom died.

And then there is the pace. This is the biggest problem I have with the movie–its over in less than five minutes. Think I’m kidding? You’ll spend more time winning the Boston Marathon. There is no slow period ever. It’s just BOOM-BA-DA-BOOM-BA-DA over and over again. There are a couple of “resting” scenes, but they’re flimsy and are pebbles compared to the boulders of sheer craziness. One minute they’re fighting in a temple that points to Shangri-La, and next they’re at the Great Wall of China. You’ll almost never remember the scenes in-between. I can understand the roller-coaster ride theory of plot, but when it moves so fast you have to wonder if Han Solo is at the helm, it’s goes from exciting to yawning. You sit down, watch a flurry of colors, and then get up and leave. It’s not a journey, it’s just a destination. Or a time-waster, either or.

The sole bright spot in this movie is Jonathan, who delivers several humorous lines. Of course, the other characters are funny at times (I especially liked the scene where Evie plans on having sex and Rick is asleep), but Jonathan steals the spotlight. He hasn’t changed one damn bit from the first two movies, and I like it that way. Just watch as he looks out over the beautiful hidden valley (unfortunately, they don’t have ranch dressing) of Shangri-La, and he gets this devious face and says, “A casino.” Brilliant. Unfortunately, it doesn’t salvage this movie, not by a long shot.

Overall, the movie feels like a poor, DVD-only release, or maybe a weekend movie by the SciFi channel. You can tell the special effects cost a sum of money, but it still seems like it was made on a shoestring budget. At the very least, it feels like not a lot of enthusiasm went into this project; aside from John Hannah, who plays Jonathan, everyone was just going through the motions and thinking Gimme my damn paycheck. Maybe it was because Stephen Sommers, who wrote the first two Mummy movies, only produced this movie (along with at least three other guys.) Or maybe it was because it was just crap.

Seriously. I can’t recommend this movie. I know most critics think this is pooping gold, but don’t waste your money. It’s pathetic.

Final Grade: D

Availability: BitTorrent. (Temmehkan does not endorse or promote illegal activity anywhere in the world. However, it is the opinion of this reviewer that this movie is not worth any money. If it were on the McDonalds Dollar Menu, it would still be a ripoff.)

Rating: PG-13 (Adventure Action, Violence, and Horrifically Bad Writing.)

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: