Review of Santa’s Slay
Considering it is now December, I should probably start reviewing Christmas movies. I’m sort of reluctant to do so, mainly that everyone else is doing it, and my mother has almost single-handedly killed Christmas for me by playing the Christmas radio station 24/7 the minute the turkey is carved. So if I’m going to review a Christmas movie, I want it to be as different and irreverant as possible, no matter how much coal it’ll put in my stocking.
Santa’s Slay fits the bill nicely.
Wait, you’re thinking, Santa’s SLAY? Yes, folks, here is a movie where Santa is bad.
As it turns out, Santa (played by Bill Goldberg) is actually the demonic spawn of Satan and the virgin Erica, much in the same way as Jesus was the angelic spawn of the virgin Mary and a slightly intoxicated God. What I found the funniest part about this is that I went to a church service once which had a traveling “teen missionary” group there, and they weren’t entirely supportive of Christmas: “Do you know what word has the exact same letters as Santa does? Satan!” Maybe they were on to something.
The movie begins with an adult family having dinner, before Santa busts in, kicks the dog through the ceiling fan, lights Fran Drescher’s head on fire (before drowning her in egg nog), sticks knives through James Caan’s hands so he can’t do anything, ninjas Chris Kattan to death, throws a Christmas tree star shuriken through Rebecca Gayheart’s back, and then kills everyone else (including Caan.) And this is only the first scene!
The movie then moves over to follow Nicholas Yuleson, a young boy who’s crazy grandfather gives him no end of trouble, and he feels quite bored in his home of Hell Township. (Believe it or not, there really is a hell on Earth. Several, in fact.) His girlfriend, Mary McKenzie, seems to be the only one who sympathizes with him. Of course, being as how he’s the MAIN CHARACTER, Santa seems to come after him, coming to town with his giant sled and flying yak. Oddly enough, Gramps explains a bit about Santa from a giant book written in Norse, and gives his son a gift–a nutcracker that shoots nuts at the speed of light. (Okay, so I’m exaggerating. A little.)
The story of why Santa is such a jerk is explained through a cheap puppet scene, meant to emulate the oldtime movies such as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and The Year Without A Santa Claus (which is what the characters in this film would desperately want.) Y’see, Christmas is short for “Christ Mass,” where all the Christians would come together to pray for protection from Santa. God, hearing their prayers (it must be, in the modern world, his hearing aide is broken), sends down an angel who disguises himself as an old man. Said angel finds Santa on an ice-covered lake, picking on his elves (who are like little green goblins.) In what might be the greatest contribution Canada has ever made to the world, the angel challenges Santa to a curling contest. If Santa wins, the angel goes to hell. If Santa loses, Christmas must become a day of gift-giving and peace (i.e., the real world) for a thousand years. Santa loses. The End.
Except said thousand years are now up.
Most of the movie involves young Nicholas Yuleson and his girlfriend running away from Santa, and Santa going on a general rampage through Hell Township. One notable scene has him burning down a strip club where the local minister is hanging out; said minister later gets his come-uppance near the end of the film. After getting no help from the police, Nicholas is forced to take on Santa with his girlfriend, and seems quite tramatized after Santa’s yak just bowls Gramps over and flings him about ten feet. But here’s the thing–GRAMPS IS THE ANGEL FROM BEFORE. Yup, and he even shows up at the end to challenge Santa to a curling rematch. Just this time, Santa just grabs him and tosses him down the hole to hell. Santa then shoots a fireball at Nick, who pulls out the nutcracker and shoots the nut straight through the fireball, dispelling Santa’s magical bullet and getting the old fart right in the shoulder. Now how a walnut is greater than a fireball, I don’t know, but then again, this is Santa being bad, so logic doesn’t matter. Oh, and Gramps caught the edge, and the kids help him up. A magical forcefield keeps Gramps from leaving the “arena,” as it were, and so he vanishes for the rest of the movie. Santa is finally defeated by the girlfriend’s father, who shoots him down with a bloody bazooka.
This seems to be a movie about hypocrisy. First, there’s the priest, who talks about fidelity and honor and blah blah blah in church, only to go to the strip club and hang out with, well, you know. Then there’s Santa being bad and Christmas being a bad day–you know, Christmas didn’t start out with presents. It was actually a pagan holiday. Oh, and finally, there’s the fact that many of the people in this movie don’t actually celebrate Christmas, because they’re Jewish. I wonder if the people behind this movie intended that. Oh well. I like the theme, actually, although this is no movie for kids. Its bloody, gory, and has plenty of swearwords. (Nicholas makes a comment in the movie about wanting a Transformer and never getting one. Then his girlfriend comes and gives him a present, which turns out to be a gun. His response: “Hey, Mary, I like this and all, but, are you f#$*^% retarded?” Turns out it was a cheap Transformer knockoff. Who knew?)
I happened to catch this movie on “S*itty Movie Night Channel” on the internet, and the streamer had a ticker at the bottom of the screen, counting up all the dead people. Here was the finally tally: 11 people + 1 dog + 1 valet + 6 strippers + 1 Chris Kattan + 2 JEWS + 4 cops + 6 carolers + 1 Wise Man (Santa decapitated a statue) -1 Gramps (ANGEL) + 1 priest. Because we all know that dogs, valets, strippers, Chris Kattan, Jews, cops, carolers, Wise Men, Gramps, and priests aren’t people. Well, dogs, Gramps, and even the Wise Man was correct in this case. And maybe cops too.
This isn’t a movie for kids, but it isn’t as bad as I originally thought. If you get a chance, check it out, unless you’re not a fan of gore and foul language. I don’t recommend making it a permanent purchase, though–good, yes. Good enough to sit on your shelf for eternity? No.
Final Score: B