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Star Trek XI Impressions

November 13, 2008

So Entertainment Weekly has a gallery about Star Trek. Oooh. So what is in the final frontier of the Internet today? As it turns out, a new look at the new Enterprise, as well as pictures of the cast. Let’s go through each photo one by one, shall we?

Photo 1: We start off with the Enterprise. My question: who the hell decided to cast Moya as the warp nacelles? Really, they look kinda biological to me. Too biological. Sorry, Abrams, but that was not a good design decision. The rest of it, however, looks fairly decent. (That blob near the bottom of the screen is a shuttle, apparently.)

Photo 2: You’re not dead, Jim. (But boy, you could see this guy going on the intercom just to announce to everybody how devilishly handsome he is.) Chris Pine could pass as a thin Shatner. The question is, would he really want to?

Photo 3: And here we have the world’s first demonstration of the Japan Robotics XR-1 Acting Android. Considering it has to play a Vulcan, which usually lacks emotion, engineering experts believe it should work perfectly. Many in the acting world disagree, but have yet to produce anyone who could be that cold, aside from Leonard Nimoy. (Zachary Quinto, apparently, is a big plastic doll.)

Photo 4: This is actually a picture of a native of Reno, Nevada. Oh, wait, that’s Eric Bana? Looks like he hasn’t changed much from 2003. Except he’s two shades less green.

Photo 5: One of the most perfect “WTF” looks put on by Karl Urban, who may or may not be related to the country music star. He’ll be playing Bones–no not that Bones–in the movie, and there’s a possibility he could do a good job. Then again, he could also fail, miserably. Like he did when he played Eomer. I know, I know–who?

Photo 6: This is serious Sulu. This is serious movie. Either that, or John Cho is having some serious constipation on the set. Or maybe he’s upset that Abrams is doing Star Trek. Calm down, Cho, the nightmare will be over soon.

Photo 7: Wonder Team Powers Activate! Well, actually, all the wonder is concentrated in one area in the back–specifically, that Scottish engineer, played by none other than Simon Pegg. That man, quitely simply, is the best of the entire bunch, which really isn’t saying that much. Also, Zoe Saldana plays Uhura, and a Napoleon Dynamite knockoff plays Chekov. I’m getting depressed.

Photo 8: Okay, seriously—what the f&^* did they do to the bridge?!?! That is undeniably the worst bridge ever, looking absolutely nothing like the original TOS bridge and everything like Steve Jobs’ wet dream. What the hell are they playing back there, Gradius? They should at least have some continuity to the original bridge, and make it actually look like the bridge. Oh, and Chris Pine just doesn’t look good right there. “Yes, I’m so manly and handsome–” I’m personally disgusted. They couldn’t have gotten any worse if they contracted the construction out to Halliburton.

Photo 9: The XR-1 Acting Android is relatively incapable of displaying emotion. As can be seen in this picture, its “angry face” looks more like a “I smell peanut butter” face. Abrams disregarded this part of the manual, although some sources question whether or not he actually read the manual in the first place.

Photo 10: Okay, not bad. That is definitely an escape pod, and that is definitely Kirk trying to swoon the ladies. I’m starting to like it again. Either that or its a backdoor pilot for Northern Exposure In Space.

Photos 11+12: Graphics rock. Ship design fails. You don’t put two nacelles in a vertical alignment unless you’re making the Stargazer (in which case it has four total) or you’re a moronic fan designer who didn’t take ST102: Introduction to Building Federation Starships.

So, my opinion? Let’s face it, everybody, Star Trek XI is going to disappoint. First off, J.J. Abrams is doing it, so we probably won’t know what color blood the Romulans have until the fifth sequel, and by then it’ll become a link to some other fantastically mysterious mystery. Quite frankly, I’m not interested in sticking around that long or getting my head twisted around into a mobius. Second, you just can’t redo something like Star Trek. It won’t work, especially not with these actors. (Except Pegg. Pegg rocks. Pegg is god. Bow before the Pegg.) Third, the Enterprise looks like Moya‘s illegitimate child with the Death Star. Fourth, Zachary Quinto looks more fake than Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson, and Donald Trump combined. Fifth, and what is arguably most important, most significant, most central to this not working–we fans are going to set the bar so astronomically high it would qualify for an astronaut badge from NASA. And simply put, putting it up that high means the movie will fail. Not even Iron Man, which I think is the mythological “perfect movie,” was that high. (It at least got suborbital.)

Still, it might be good for other things. I’m not ready to completely write this movie off yet. Just 75%. (The other 25% is the Pegg.)

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